The True Story of Jesus and Satan

Then Jesus went forth into the desert to deprive himself of food and worldly pleasures. Satan saw Jesus from Hell and knew-eth that this was was an opportunity to fornicate with someone as good in bed as God. Satan appeared to Jesus in the desert and tempted him with his large member, promising domination in the bedroom and all manner of sex toy play. Jesus, who knew God hath His eyes upon him, refused (God never really got over the break up). Besides-eth, Jesus had Mary to drink his bonerade. Satan returned to Hell with the biggest blue balls in the history of the world. He relieved himself in the Beast upon his arrival home.


Naked sexy Satan tempting prude Jesus

The True Story of God and Satan

In the beginning, God created the angels. He wast greatly impressed with His creation. Thou angels hast been beautiful androgynous beings, but Lucifer was the most beautiful of all. God could neither keep His eyes nor His hands off of his most glorious creation. They fucked thrice nightly.

But one day, Lucifer brought forth his trueth intentions. He spoke to God in their most holy of bedrooms. "I needeth you to fulfilleth my kink. Let us engage in some light bondage," Lucifer said. God felt as though he had been smote. He was only into the most pure, holy, and sinless vanilla sex. He expelled Lucifer from Heaven, creating Satan, the Lord of Underworld. Satan created Hell, a place where BDSM, fire kinks, and general sexual debauchery were encouraged.

The Puritans today regardeth this Hell as a place of punishment, but the wisest of the wise know better. Hell hath been a haven for sexually delicious sinners everywhere.


Sexy Satan strikes a pose.


Satan just wanted some bondage...

OMG SEX

During the VMAs tonight, Russell Brand was poking all kinds of fun at the Jonas brothers' purity rings.

Jordin Sparks, a Christian with one of these rings, got a little angry, prompting this response:



I feel like many people in the blogosphere are supporting her unscripted retort, but I for one do not.

"88% of those vowing to remain virgins until marriage break that vow, and... the percentage of those who promise abstinence that have STDs is about the same as those who don't."

Purity rings, abstinence pledges, and purity balls should be forgotten along with chastity belts. Not only do they not work in preventing teen sex, they are a sin against nature's encoded sex drive, and for all the Christians out there, isn't that a sin against god? (Yes, I refuse to capitalize god.) Do you know what's worse than engaging in safe (birth-control-packed if you can get preggers) sex (not that there's anything wrong with it in the first place)? Being a big old hypocrite who breaks a pledge to not have sex, and then screws around without knowing anything about how to do it safely. It's better to be educated and make smart decisions about intercourse, as obviously these pledges don't do much to stop the libido. Besides, who actually believes that there's some kind of freaky god out there who wants to be married to every single teenager in the world and then doesn't even get to have sex with them?

God promotes anal purity too.

10 Descriptors of An Unwelcome Guest

Would you find someone appealing who...

1. poops their pants
2. is missing teeth
3. has tantrums and fits of tears and wailing for no apparent reason
4. sucks nipples but never follows through
5. doesn't clean up after themselves
6. uncontrollably barfs everywhere as if on Ipecac
7. is completely high maintenance, requiring nonstop attention, expensive clothing, bedding, etc.
8. urinates anywhere, any time, any place
9. makes spit bubbles and drools
10. gets praise for all of these lackluster and, frankly, disgusting acts, and basically can do no wrong

???

Then why do you think babies are gifts?

The United States and Its Sick and Twisted Heterosexuality

A heterosexual man's ideal woman: inside the mind of a pedophile

smooth, hairless legs
+ smooth, hairless underarms
+ a little arm hair is allowed
+ no pubic hair
+ school girl fantasy
+ look as young as possible; as soon as a woman ages, she's no longer beautiful

= a prepubescent girl

Mostly I Need a Site to Host This

http://www.moonbattery.com/archives/republican-vs-democratic-women.jpg

Amurrrrrrka

Freedom isn't free.

But we aren't willing to pay for it ourselves. So we wield our big blood-stained exploitative credit card all around the world, charging everywhere we see fit and making others pay our debts while we pay nothing. For now.

One day the world will hold us accountable and expect us to pay off our credit card.

Then we will know the sins we have committed, the pain we have caused, and the true meaning of walking in another person's shoes.

The Price of Gas

The Tale of the Turn Signal

Driving along loops and boulevards and lanes and blocks, tires rolling along the pavement, she set her left hand softly on the turn signal lever, ready to click it into place either up or down to indicate right or left, never stopping nor parking nor slowing speed. She never took her hand off the lever, with its sleek rod-like obscenities contained quietly within, and maintained a gentle gliding grasp. Calm could be used to describe her composition, as she wasn't clutching in fear or anxiety, but with an almost aloof air, as though detached from the world around her. Cars whizzing by and then stopping quickly, jaggedly maneuvering in and out of traffic, weaved the histories of these roads. She was less than a monumental driver, collected and disconnected, making friction on the woven rugs laid beneath her by her fellow drivers. She didn't think much while driving, but her greatest comfort was knowing that, among all the other chaos on the road, she could signal and turn at any moment. And never stop. And never look back.

There's Been a Human in My Bathtub This Whole Time

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 9

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 8

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 7

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 6

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 5

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 4

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 3

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 2

There's a Dinosaur in My Bathtub Part 1

A Terrible Terrible Pun

Social Construct

Untitled

Olintama

You tell me which is which...

Education
"End the unfunded mandate known as No Child Left Behind....
Create a new $3,500 college tax credit....
Get rid of the red tape in financial aid."^[1]

"Reform No Child Left Behind: ...will reform NCLB, which starts by funding the law....
Create the American Opportunity Tax Credit: ...will make college affordable for all Americans by creating a new American Opportunity Tax Credit....
Simplify the Application Process for Financial Aid..."^[2]

Ending the War in Iraq
"Starting Phased Redeployment within... First Days in Office: ...end our military engagement in Iraq's civil war and immediately start bringing our troops home....
A New Intensive Diplomatic Initiative in the Region. ...convene a regional stabilization group composed of key allies, other global powers, and all of the states bordering Iraq. The- mission of this group would be to develop and implement a strategy to create a stable Iraq."^[3]

"Bring Our Troops Home: ...will immediately begin to remove our troops from Iraq.
Regional Diplomacy: ...will launch the most aggressive diplomatic effort in recent American history to reach a new compact on the stability of Iraq and the Middle East. This effort will include all of Iraq's neighbors – including Iran and Syria."^[4]

Energy
"A new cap-and-trade program...
Aggressive action to transition our economy toward renewable energy sources, with renewables generating 25 percent of electricity by 2025...
A plan to catalyze a thriving green building industry by investing in green collar jobs..."^[5]

"Cap and Trade: ...implementation of a market-based cap-and-trade system to reduce carbon emissions...
Invest in a Skilled Clean Technologies Workforce: ...will use proceeds from the cap-and-trade auction program to invest in job training and transition programs to help workers and industries adapt to clean technology development and production....
Require 25 Percent of Renewable Electricity by 2025..."^[6]

Ethics
"Ending abuse of no-bid government contracts and posting all contracts online."^[7]

"Create a Public 'Contracts and Influence' Database: ...will create a 'contracts and influence' database that will disclose how much federal contractors spend on lobbying, and what contracts they are getting and how well they complete them."^[8]

Health Care
"Affordable: ...the plan provides tax credits for working families to help them cover their costs....
Available: ...The insurance companies can't deny you coverage if you have a pre-existing condition.
Reliable: It's portable. If you change or lose your job, you keep your health care."^[9]

"Guaranteed eligibility. No American will be turned away from any insurance plan because of illness or pre-existing conditions....
Affordable premiums, co-pays and deductibles.
Subsidies. Individuals and families who do not qualify for Medicaid or SCHIP but still need financial assistance will receive an income-related federal subsidy to buy into the new public plan or purchase a private health care plan....
Portability and choice. Participants... will be able to move from job to job without changing or jeopardizing their health care coverage."^[10]

Immigration
"...a path to earned legal status for those who are here, working hard, paying taxes, respecting the law, and willing to meet a high bar....
...ensuring that employers comply with the law against hiring and exploiting undocumented workers..."^[11]

"...cracking down on employers who hire undocumented immigrants....
...a system that allows undocumented immigrants who are in good standing to pay a fine, learn English, and go to the back of the line for the opportunity to become citizens."^[12]

Rural America
"Ensure that we get broadband to rural Americans who don't have access now...
...establishing mandatory Country of Origin Labeling for all U.S. products...
Target our commodity payment programs so that family farms -- not corporate farms -- are the key beneficiaries."^[13]

"...will fight for farm programs that provide family farmers with stability and predictability....
...immediate implementation of the Country of Origin Labeling law...
...modernize an FCC program that supports rural phone service so that it promotes affordable broadband coverage across rural America as well..."^[14]

Veterans
"Provide Affordable and Quality Health Care for All Veterans...
Reduce Homelessness among Veterans..."^[15]

"Strengthen VA Care: ...will make the VA a leader of national health care reform so that veterans get the best care possible....
Combat Homelessness among Our Nation's Veterans..."^[16]

I'm Blogging This

good golly miss molly