The True Story of Jesus and Satan

Then Jesus went forth into the desert to deprive himself of food and worldly pleasures. Satan saw Jesus from Hell and knew-eth that this was was an opportunity to fornicate with someone as good in bed as God. Satan appeared to Jesus in the desert and tempted him with his large member, promising domination in the bedroom and all manner of sex toy play. Jesus, who knew God hath His eyes upon him, refused (God never really got over the break up). Besides-eth, Jesus had Mary to drink his bonerade. Satan returned to Hell with the biggest blue balls in the history of the world. He relieved himself in the Beast upon his arrival home.


Naked sexy Satan tempting prude Jesus

The True Story of God and Satan

In the beginning, God created the angels. He wast greatly impressed with His creation. Thou angels hast been beautiful androgynous beings, but Lucifer was the most beautiful of all. God could neither keep His eyes nor His hands off of his most glorious creation. They fucked thrice nightly.

But one day, Lucifer brought forth his trueth intentions. He spoke to God in their most holy of bedrooms. "I needeth you to fulfilleth my kink. Let us engage in some light bondage," Lucifer said. God felt as though he had been smote. He was only into the most pure, holy, and sinless vanilla sex. He expelled Lucifer from Heaven, creating Satan, the Lord of Underworld. Satan created Hell, a place where BDSM, fire kinks, and general sexual debauchery were encouraged.

The Puritans today regardeth this Hell as a place of punishment, but the wisest of the wise know better. Hell hath been a haven for sexually delicious sinners everywhere.


Sexy Satan strikes a pose.


Satan just wanted some bondage...

OMG SEX

During the VMAs tonight, Russell Brand was poking all kinds of fun at the Jonas brothers' purity rings.

Jordin Sparks, a Christian with one of these rings, got a little angry, prompting this response:



I feel like many people in the blogosphere are supporting her unscripted retort, but I for one do not.

"88% of those vowing to remain virgins until marriage break that vow, and... the percentage of those who promise abstinence that have STDs is about the same as those who don't."

Purity rings, abstinence pledges, and purity balls should be forgotten along with chastity belts. Not only do they not work in preventing teen sex, they are a sin against nature's encoded sex drive, and for all the Christians out there, isn't that a sin against god? (Yes, I refuse to capitalize god.) Do you know what's worse than engaging in safe (birth-control-packed if you can get preggers) sex (not that there's anything wrong with it in the first place)? Being a big old hypocrite who breaks a pledge to not have sex, and then screws around without knowing anything about how to do it safely. It's better to be educated and make smart decisions about intercourse, as obviously these pledges don't do much to stop the libido. Besides, who actually believes that there's some kind of freaky god out there who wants to be married to every single teenager in the world and then doesn't even get to have sex with them?

God promotes anal purity too.

10 Descriptors of An Unwelcome Guest

Would you find someone appealing who...

1. poops their pants
2. is missing teeth
3. has tantrums and fits of tears and wailing for no apparent reason
4. sucks nipples but never follows through
5. doesn't clean up after themselves
6. uncontrollably barfs everywhere as if on Ipecac
7. is completely high maintenance, requiring nonstop attention, expensive clothing, bedding, etc.
8. urinates anywhere, any time, any place
9. makes spit bubbles and drools
10. gets praise for all of these lackluster and, frankly, disgusting acts, and basically can do no wrong

???

Then why do you think babies are gifts?

The United States and Its Sick and Twisted Heterosexuality

A heterosexual man's ideal woman: inside the mind of a pedophile

smooth, hairless legs
+ smooth, hairless underarms
+ a little arm hair is allowed
+ no pubic hair
+ school girl fantasy
+ look as young as possible; as soon as a woman ages, she's no longer beautiful

= a prepubescent girl

Mostly I Need a Site to Host This

http://www.moonbattery.com/archives/republican-vs-democratic-women.jpg

Amurrrrrrka

Freedom isn't free.

But we aren't willing to pay for it ourselves. So we wield our big blood-stained exploitative credit card all around the world, charging everywhere we see fit and making others pay our debts while we pay nothing. For now.

One day the world will hold us accountable and expect us to pay off our credit card.

Then we will know the sins we have committed, the pain we have caused, and the true meaning of walking in another person's shoes.

The Price of Gas

The Tale of the Turn Signal

Driving along loops and boulevards and lanes and blocks, tires rolling along the pavement, she set her left hand softly on the turn signal lever, ready to click it into place either up or down to indicate right or left, never stopping nor parking nor slowing speed. She never took her hand off the lever, with its sleek rod-like obscenities contained quietly within, and maintained a gentle gliding grasp. Calm could be used to describe her composition, as she wasn't clutching in fear or anxiety, but with an almost aloof air, as though detached from the world around her. Cars whizzing by and then stopping quickly, jaggedly maneuvering in and out of traffic, weaved the histories of these roads. She was less than a monumental driver, collected and disconnected, making friction on the woven rugs laid beneath her by her fellow drivers. She didn't think much while driving, but her greatest comfort was knowing that, among all the other chaos on the road, she could signal and turn at any moment. And never stop. And never look back.

There's Been a Human in My Bathtub This Whole Time